Monday, March 12, 2012

Topic for Discussion: Living Together Before Marriage

To live together or not to live together? That is the question.

It's a trend to live with one's significant other these days, and many couples choose to before considering the possibility of marriage. I was discussing this very thing with a coworker, who is a proponent of living together, and she mentioned that in her psych class statistics show that there is a higher divorce rate after the couple lived together prior to their marital commitment. So I wonder..... Why would that be? And why are most people ok with a lifestyle that produces a statistically negative outcome, like she is?

My coworker believes that living together can help a couple get to know each other better, which will help them make the decision about whether or not to be married. Others have told me that a couple is meant to be together one way or another (the pop coin phrase: "it's their destiny") and that living together before marriage or even getting married, for that matter, is not the deciding factor.

Huh, says I.

I'm not trying to be overly intellectual by saying this, but these really are illogical thought processes concerning the issue, and it seems to me a majority of society is not willing to face reality for what it is.......

Let's reason through it this way. Here are three potential characteristics of the live-together couple and the foundation they could build pre legal commitment; I will explain why there is a potential for these characteristics to develop......

A.) Potential for distrust:
Distrust can be fostered, because neither partner is fully committed to the other when they're just cohabiting; it takes a license and thousands of dollars for a celebration (if a couple so chooses) to make it the real deal. But prior to all that "fluff," neither partner is obligated to completely trust the other one, because there's no expectation that the relationship will last.

So why would it be any different post marriage? If you were willing to live with your partner in a married way - sharing the same living space, sharing the same bed, starting and ending the day together - without being married, how does having a license and a wedding change the dynamics of the relationship? Wouldn't there be some sense of distrust, because the person moved in with you before, not knowing if he/she wanted to be with you forever..... Couldn't he/she decide that after marriage, too? Isn't that why statistics show such a high divorce rate for couples who live together first?

B.) Potential for dishonesty:
Dishonesty can be fostered, because there is no public contract (which is stated in the marriage vows) to love one another for better or worse and because there is no foundation of trust. A bride and groom make vows to one another as a promise until death parts them; they want each other and those around them to know that they trust each other and are committing to total, raw trust and honesty.

But for those who live together before getting married, their relationship has the potential for failure. Honesty has not been the priority from the beginning, because they've shared a bed with that partner just like they did with the person before (or the next person, for that matter). There's no honesty when there's been no vow. And a person's word about love and togetherness is not enough to go on - it's a persons actions that speak louder about their honest intentions.

C.) Potential for discontentment:
Discontentment can be fostered, because living together is a casually comfortable commitment that can be gotten out of just as easily as it was gotten into. Contentment comes with staying the course and knowing that, no matter what, the relationship has to work. Whereas discontentment comes when something feels old and discontinued and something else looks newer and brighter.

Every human experiences discontentment at one point or another in his life; it's a predictable result of living in a broken and sinful world. But that discontentment doesn't have to be the feeling that allows one to stay or go in a relationship. Discontentment can be overcome by putting forth the effort to make the next best step. So, for a couple that lives together, they may decide that they've been together long enough to know that they can get along and they're comfortable staying together, therefore, in order to stave off discontentment (or ignore it) they get married. Is that really a good reason to get married, though? Considering the possibilities for distrust and dishonesty, is getting married really going to create contentment? Becoming discontent is a real possibility, whether a couple is dating, engaged or married, so what's going to hold a person back from just picking up and moving on?

To live together or to not live together? Is it wise to do pre marriage? That is the question. Well.....

Here's how Manly and Babe would answer that. We've learned a lot about each other through a variety of circumstances in our year and a half of dating, but we've never lived together in the same house nor have we ever shared the same bed. We'd much rather get to know each other's character, personal lifestyle preferences, habits, families, communication styles, and things like that before we live together. And we'll only live together once we've made a public commitment before God and witnesses to be forever trustworthy, honest and content. To live together is what we are aiming for, and it's taken a lot of hard work to prepare us for that big step, which merits a license, a celebration, and a mug of beer, as Manly would like to add :)

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Country Song: A Woman Like You


Ian and I have a thing for this song......
Because we know how it really would be, if he hadn't found me......
He'd still be looking for that dream motorcycle, playing Battlefield 3 most of his days off, buying all new Mac products, and chewing the fat with a bunch of guys with a beer in hand.
Not that he's completely changed since he met me ;) But he is glad that he can enjoy my cooking, our sweet moments together over a paintball game (occasionally), call me Babe whenever he needs me by his side, and put a ring on his hand. 
It's good to not be a single man, says the Good Book - "Rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18).

Sunday, March 4, 2012

In the Kitchen with Manly & Babe

Manly and I like to experiment with food and be creative with our meals. We intend to share many of our experiments, funny stories, and recipes with you on our blog. Look for "In the Kitchen with Manly & Babe."

The other night we made Chicken Tikka Masala, a spicy Indian dish. It turned out SO well! Highly recommend using this recipe for the dish.

When we cook, Ian likes to impersonate an asian chef. This is usually what it's like for me to work in the kitchen with Manly.......

After all the ginger had been smashed, the last drop of cream stirred in, and the garnish applied..... voila! (because we like French food too ;)


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Learning in Love

Every couple enjoys different types of activities together..... some couples go out for coffee in the evenings, sit around and kiss for a while, some snuggle up for an episode of Top Gear, others have Friday night dinner dates, or watch a chick-flick (c'mon guys.... admit it), and find a comfy couch to share a few smooches, some go mountain hiking, or just find a good book to read together... and swap a few pecks after every chapter. But Ian and I have been way more creative with our quality time ;) Haha!

The truth is - those are all activities that define our relationship. And spending quality time together in those ways has strengthened and matured our bond in friendship, courtship and now engagement.

Oddly enough, we really do like to read together. Or.... er, I think it's a good idea so I suggest it (on a Sunday afternoon typically) to which Ian face-palms and groans, "Another book about relationships?" And I reply with a superior air, "Yes. I have a BA in Psychology, therefore, I believe it's important for all couples to discuss the various factors and levels of their relationship in order to maintain healthy intimacy." To which Ian face-palms again.

But no, really, Ian and I have found it quite helpful to read a smattering from a few resources now and then. Certain topics or pieces of information from scholarly sources have spurred on discussions between the two of us about who we are as individuals, our future family goals, our Biblical knowledge of finances, or how to serve the Lord. I thought I'd share with you some of the books that Ian and I have enjoyed (below each cover is a personal description), and I hope you will post in return some of the resources you and yours have gleaned from as well.

We started flipping through this one when we were new at getting to know one another. Never finished it but it was helpful to get the ball rolling on some of the topics, such as how we mimic our same-gender parent in relationship roles.

This book was given to us by a dear older married man that Ian stayed with while we visited Dayton last Spring. We have used this resource as a reference when we need to fix (understand) the other lightbulb ;)

This devotional, gifted to us by my dad, journeys through the wisdom and the application of God's Word. It's been refreshing for us to meditate together and to pray through scripture.

Yes, we have picked up this on occasion. Though Ian might be a little embarrassed by the cover. But, we may actually use a passage from it in our wedding ceremony. This little book is a compilation of Elisabeth Elliot's nougats of advice (written journal style) to her engaged daughter. She artfully, tactfully explained in a series of notes about the reality of marrying a sinner, which Ian and I read together, and it helped us approach our expectations of one another reasonably.

Our pastor - Irwyn Ince - from City of Hope is currently taking us through the chapters of this premarital counseling book. Ian and I would recommend this to any couple that has not yet delved into pertinent topics concerning marriage and family and all the things that go along with preparing to be life-partners. This book covers a range of topics and facilitates introspection and group discussions. Irwyn is taking me and Ian through it with a different spin, since we have already traversed a lot of ground in our period of dating.

This was Ian's Valentine's gift to me ;) The poor man had been through hell and back that particular week of fire academy, and all he could think of was how to survive..... and then give me something for Valentine's to show me how much he needed me to understand what he was going through. We are in the process of gleaning from this resource.

Please do share with us any funny, clever, insightful pieces of literature or advice that you have utilized in your relationship. Clearly, Manly and Babe love to learn :)