To live together or not to live together? That is the question.
It's a trend to live with one's significant other these days, and many couples choose to before considering the possibility of marriage. I was discussing this very thing with a coworker, who is a proponent of living together, and she mentioned that in her psych class statistics show that there is a higher divorce rate after the couple lived together prior to their marital commitment. So I wonder..... Why would that be? And why are most people ok with a lifestyle that produces a statistically negative outcome, like she is?
My coworker believes that living together can help a couple get to know each other better, which will help them make the decision about whether or not to be married. Others have told me that a couple is meant to be together one way or another (the pop coin phrase: "it's their destiny") and that living together before marriage or even getting married, for that matter, is not the deciding factor.
Huh, says I.
I'm not trying to be overly intellectual by saying this, but these really are illogical thought processes concerning the issue, and it seems to me a majority of society is not willing to face reality for what it is.......
Let's reason through it this way. Here are three potential characteristics of the live-together couple and the foundation they could build pre legal commitment; I will explain why there is a potential for these characteristics to develop......
A.) Potential for distrust:
Distrust can be fostered, because neither partner is fully committed to the other when they're just cohabiting; it takes a license and thousands of dollars for a celebration (if a couple so chooses) to make it the real deal. But prior to all that "fluff," neither partner is obligated to completely trust the other one, because there's no expectation that the relationship will last.
So why would it be any different post marriage? If you were willing to live with your partner in a married way - sharing the same living space, sharing the same bed, starting and ending the day together - without being married, how does having a license and a wedding change the dynamics of the relationship? Wouldn't there be some sense of distrust, because the person moved in with you before, not knowing if he/she wanted to be with you forever..... Couldn't he/she decide that after marriage, too? Isn't that why statistics show such a high divorce rate for couples who live together first?
B.) Potential for dishonesty:
Dishonesty can be fostered, because there is no public contract (which is stated in the marriage vows) to love one another for better or worse and because there is no foundation of trust. A bride and groom make vows to one another as a promise until death parts them; they want each other and those around them to know that they trust each other and are committing to total, raw trust and honesty.
But for those who live together before getting married, their relationship has the potential for failure. Honesty has not been the priority from the beginning, because they've shared a bed with that partner just like they did with the person before (or the next person, for that matter). There's no honesty when there's been no vow. And a person's word about love and togetherness is not enough to go on - it's a persons actions that speak louder about their honest intentions.
C.) Potential for discontentment:
Discontentment can be fostered, because living together is a casually comfortable commitment that can be gotten out of just as easily as it was gotten into. Contentment comes with staying the course and knowing that, no matter what, the relationship has to work. Whereas discontentment comes when something feels old and discontinued and something else looks newer and brighter.
Every human experiences discontentment at one point or another in his life; it's a predictable result of living in a broken and sinful world. But that discontentment doesn't have to be the feeling that allows one to stay or go in a relationship. Discontentment can be overcome by putting forth the effort to make the next best step. So, for a couple that lives together, they may decide that they've been together long enough to know that they can get along and they're comfortable staying together, therefore, in order to stave off discontentment (or ignore it) they get married. Is that really a good reason to get married, though? Considering the possibilities for distrust and dishonesty, is getting married really going to create contentment? Becoming discontent is a real possibility, whether a couple is dating, engaged or married, so what's going to hold a person back from just picking up and moving on?
To live together or to not live together? Is it wise to do pre marriage? That is the question. Well.....
Here's how Manly and Babe would answer that. We've learned a lot about each other through a variety of circumstances in our year and a half of dating, but we've never lived together in the same house nor have we ever shared the same bed. We'd much rather get to know each other's character, personal lifestyle preferences, habits, families, communication styles, and things like that before we live together. And we'll only live together once we've made a public commitment before God and witnesses to be forever trustworthy, honest and content. To live together is what we are aiming for, and it's taken a lot of hard work to prepare us for that big step, which merits a license, a celebration, and a mug of beer, as Manly would like to add :)
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