Around this time last year Ian drove 16 hours through the night to surprise me for my 24th birthday (I'm not sure he actually knew how old I was turning then, because last night he asked me how old I'm turning today!). Interestingly, I wasn't sure at the time if I truly loved him, loved him enough to marry him. And I was scared. I wasn't scared of Ian. I was scared of committing to the unknown. He wasn't asking me to do that for him, but he was pursuing me and he truly did love me.
My birthday flashback......
We went on a road trip to TN in April 2011, staying with friends along the way, and during that trip we were faced with the reality of each other's weaknesses and temperaments and ways of handling situations and energy levels..... We were faced with the reality of real life together! We are very different in most every way. I knew that pretty much from the getgo. But I just wasn't sure if I was willing to make the leap into the unknown - the future where anything can happen - with a man who was so different from myself. Our trip to TN was eye-opening.
So, the next month - May 2011 - Ian called me to say with a tone of intent, "I need to tell you something." I was suspicious, "Does he want to break up with me? What could be so serious?" He told me what I had sort of been hoping for but what I was also scared of - "I've been thinking about this and praying about it. And I've decided that I need to move to Baltimore. We're never going to know each other better or get our relationship figured out if we don't live in the same city for a while and attend the same church." On the one hand, I was so relieved. He was stepping up in confidence, making a significant change in his life for the good of our relationship, and he was assured this was the leading of the Holy Spirit in his heart. Of course, I felt so valued, so precious to him. But, on the other hand, I was nervous about what it might be like to live near each other, to have the same group of friends, to hang out almost all the time, to start attending a church we both liked together, to lose my sense of independence. It could be wonderful or it could be terrible. At that point, we'd only been dating 9 months and that had all been long-distance, as a result of meeting online.
Ian's plan to find a job as soon as possible and pack up all his belongings in MO and move to MD was put into motion soon after our conversation in May. The plan was put into motion unbeknownst to me, however. He moved half his stuff to MD on his trip to surprise me for my birthday. Obviously, I didn't know what was going on. And, at the same time, he didn't know what was going on with me - all the emotions of doubt and fear and confusion that were churning inside me.
Whatever it was we talked about the night before my birthday, I don't remember. He had packed his car full and talked to me on the phone before leaving, though I didn't know he was going on a trip and I certainly wasn't expecting any big surprises the next day. But whatever it was we talked about in that brief conversation before bed, it was something that got my ire up. I decided the next day that I wasn't going to call him after work, because I didn't want to have to talk to him. Needless to say, I was in for it.
I came home from work and went to the basement in a huff to finish a project at my desk. While sitting there thinking of how I was NOT going to call Ian and while thinking that I was just so confused about my own feelings toward him, the hallway door behind me started to creek and slide open across the carpet. I was a little concerned but I figured somebody in my family might be pranking me. I didn't hear anyone laughing, though, so I glanced over my shoulder. And to my great shock there was Ian, like a ghost, leaning against the door frame. I was speechless. And he was about to fall over from exhaustion. He finally broke the silence to explain that he'd driven 16 hrs straight through the night to be with me for the next week for my birthday and that he'd also brought some of his things with him for moving. I was still speechless.
My birthday to date......
Looking back, a year later, I'm so grateful that he came and that he showed me what a sacrifice he was wiling to make out of love for me. I was grateful last June, too, after I'd gotten over the initial shock. But I'm grateful in a different way now.
Now I'm not over-analyzing and trying to figure out myself in this relationship. Now I'm not twisted up in knots when thinking about the future and whether or not we should be together. Now I'm not concerned about whether or not I truly love him for who he is and am willing to commit to loving him through good times and bad times. Now I KNOW without a doubt that I love Ian Antons more than I've loved any other man and that I'll be far more happy celebrating every one of my birthdays with him.
As a result of his move in July 2011, we were able to see up close and personal who each other was on a daily basis and we were able to establish our own community of friends from church and work. By early fall, the anxiety and the doubt began to fade, and I knew I was falling in love with Ian. He had done such a courageous thing by leaving his job and moving to the east coast, where he'd never been before, and reestablishing his life for the sake of our friendship. The shifting of our circumstances laid the foundation for a stronger, more mature relationship. We have become the best of friends over the past year.
Now we look back on my last birthday with laughter, look at this birthday with joy, and look forward to all the birthdays to come with gratitude.
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